THE ONLINE FILM CRITICS SOCIETY WRITERS RECALL THEIR MOST MEMORABLE MOVIE INTERVIEWS (continued)...

DAN JARDINE, APOLLO GUIDE: Well, I've never really conducted a formal interview, cuz that just ain't my gig. I have, however, enjoyed some delightful email exchanges with outraged and infuriated filmmakers who've taken umbrage with my savaging of their works. My favourite such electronic epistolary exchange was with Neill Barry, the screenwriter of the execrable "Friends and Lovers" (Worst. Film. Ever?) that was punctuated by the following barb from Mr. Barry: "I loved your review of my first movie friends & lovers. I'll do my best to entertain you on my next one, shit can you believe it made 17 million on video. And that another studio is giving me seven million for my next feature. Maybe I'm in the wrong business, and I should be a low paid frustrated ONLINE critic! Warmest regards, Neill Barry."

We shared several witty reposts before finally agreeing to go our separate ways, but the sad thing is, this wee note was FAR funnier than any single moment in Mr. Barry's filmmaking debut. At the very least, this gives me some hope that his sophomore effort will be, well, something more than sophomoric.

GIL JAWETZ, DVD TALK & CINEMA GOTHAM: Although I haven't done that many film-related interviews I'd have to say that the most memorable one was definitely with Abel Ferrara. I met him at a screening of his then-undistributed film "'R Xmas." We exchanged numbers and said we'd do an interview. Time went by, he didn't return my calls, and my story ran without his input. Then a couple days later my cell phone rang and the voice blurted out something like "Thizable!" Thinking is was a wrong number I almost hung up. But I realized he was saying "This is Abel" and we set up a time to meet at his West Village apartment: 10pm. Here I am thinking it's going to be some posh pad. I walk in, all fresh-scrubbed, only to discover that the place is some bizarre other universe straight out of "Bad Lieutenant." Without going into too much detail (I promised Abel that I wouldn't go into his "lifestyle" in the piece) it was definitely a night to remember. For about three hours I listened to Abel and Frank DeCurtis rail about everything from OJ Simpson and Robert Blake to the old days of drug dealers lining the streets of Washington Heights to the state of reality TV. Other members of Abel's life drifted in and out of the apartment, including his pre-teen daughter who was still watching TV when I left, well after midnight. It was definitely a fascinating and eye-opening experience. It also provided a little extra insight into the life of one of New York's most visceral filmmakers.

JOBLO, JOBLO.COM: I don't normally conduct the JoBlo.com interviews myself, but I did manage a couple and the one that is most memorable by a long shot had to be the one in which I sat at a table with John Travolta and about five other journalists. I swear I was sitting close enough to the man to punch him across the face... and get away with it! Seriously though, being a major fanboy and having started my site with that mission statement in mind, it was a MAJOR highlight for me to even be in the same room as characters that I had grown up with like Danny Zuko, Tony Manero and Vincent Vega!! I don't think I've been as nervous with any other "celeb" since (except that time I was stuck in an elevator with J-Lo, but that's another story altogether) and much like any other TV interview that I've seen with him, Travolta really came across as a "nice guy" who's been through enough to know how the "game" works. He also seemed very sincere and appreciative of his blessings. I also remember him staring me directly in the eyes as I asked my dinky questions, and me shitting my pants. It was a great moment of my life. But the "best part" of the interview was that I was actually "green" enough, at the time, to ask for a "photo" with him afterwards. To this fuckin' day, my local studio rep STILL won't take me seriously because of it...but whatever. Travolta, of course, was completely cool with it and even put his arm around my shoulder for a second pic (the flash didn't go off on the first try-- natch!). The sad and most memorable part about that experience was that I was soooo excited about the whole thing that I decided to run down to my car and "make sure" that the pictures went off without a hitch. I (for reasons which remain unknown to me-- and my therapist, to this day) opened the back of my camera to look at the film and needless to say...ruined any chance of ever seeing those pictures developed in our lifetime. So even though I can never prove that this experience ever took place, I proudly hang a 7x10 black photo of nothing on my wall to remind me of my time with Mr. Travolta and his warm hands.

BRANDON JUDELL, INDIEWIRE: I was flown to Los Angeles to interview Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. I believe the film was "Dream A Little Dream." Both seemed whacked out of their minds. Years later I learned they were.

JON LAP, APOLLO GUIDE: Interviewing Elia Suleiman, director of "Divine Intervention," was very interesting for me. To begin with, it was my very first assignment that called for question and answer with a filmmaker. Ingenuous to a fault, I was initially a bit obsequious to a fellow who may have left his cordialness with a customs officer (en route to New York from Palestine, his native land). Either that, or the man was/is self-diluted to the extent that he sees Antonioni or Kurosawa's reflection when he gazes at the mirror (both directors were mentioned to me as people who affected his filmmaking style). This, after he just got through reprimanding my "over-intellectualizing" of his film--imparting his disdain for that kind of practice--preferring instead films that don't require the chore of analysis.

Unaware that I was about to converse with the animus of bourgeois snootiness in the shape of man (ironic and oxymoronic for a guy who seemingly just made a very stylized, self-referential, socially conscious sounding-board type film for his tortured Palestinian class), I knew something was off when he met my outstretched hand with a subdued sigh. By the time my digital audio recorder gave out, Suleiman, a man borne to transgression, became the transgressor. Already flippant and annoyed before sitting down, Suleiman now seemed relieved to find a plausible way out of our brief session--as if he had an itinerary as overlapping as King Hussein's.

If you choose to succumb to the idiom, "All's well that ends well," then my story is really okay. What started as a straight Q&A assignment for an unknown source, evolved into my first arts feature for The Long Island Press--an article that garnered positive commentary from the surrounding staff (note: I started as the editorial assistant at said publication several months earlier).

JOHN LARSEN, LIGHT VIEWS: The press junket for "Frankie and Johnny." Al Pacino rarely does these things, but he showed up with Michelle Pfeiffer and director Garry Marshall. It was mostly international press. One woman stood up and stated to Al Pacino: "I noticed in the press notes that you had your own hair dresser, so I spent the whole movie watching your hair." Pacino just stared at the woman for a few seconds in disbelief. There were numerous other dumb questions during that Q&A, so when the session was over, I went over to Marshall and said: "I can understand why Pacino doesn't do these things. These people are morons." Marshall asked me what I would have asked, and I showed him my list of questions. He was so impressed that I got a private interview session with all three.

KAMAL "THE DIVA" LARSUEL, 3 BLACK CHICKS: An impromptu 20 questions game with Samuel L. Jackson and Leonard Thomas.

DONALD J. LEVIT, REEL TALK REVIEWS: Probably the most memorable interview was with Elia Suleiman, whom I found articulate, funny and open about his working methods and purposes. I was especially impressed with his lack of pretentiousness, which is something I did notice at the more Hollywood-style after-screenings.

DAN LYBARGER, NITRATE ONLINE: For good and for ill, it's hard to remember any other interviewing experience as vividly as I do covering the junket for "Blue Streak" in 1999. It began auspiciously when Dave Chappelle promptly entered the room and delivered a round of answers that was as funny, if not funnier than any of his standup routines or TV sketches (if only the same could be said for the film). Just about every profane utterance that came from his mouth put the other interviewers and me into stitches. Even his breakfast became part of the act. He made such a production out of eating his first poached egg that we had to photograph the occasion, resulting in my first published photo. If you want to see the photo and read his answers, go to: http://www.tipjar.com/dan/martinlawrence.htm

After Chappelle left, the crowd of interviewers thinned. Luke Wilson, Les Mayfield and producer Toby Jaffe were quotable and pleasant, but nobody left an impression as vivid as Chappelle had. That was until Martin Lawrence entered several minutes later. Lawrence, despite his wild reputation, is not a particularly intimidating-looking man. He's only about 5' 7" and is baby-faced. He's also well-mannered. When I sneezed, he said, "Bless you."

Whereas Chappelle said anything that seemed to come to mind (when asked about bad scripts, he said, "Well., there's a lot of dumb shit out there."), Lawrence's answers were dry and subdued. You could tell he'd been burned by reporters before. What made the session get eerie was that Lawrence didn't come alone. With him came two denim-clad men who stood over 6' 2" and two beat-up looking women. One of the women sported a bandage that covered her entire eye.

Normally only a publicist accompanies a performer, but Lawrence's entourage outnumbered us. They also followed his every word enthusiastically, so none us felt like asking him about the time he got caught running with a pistol into traffic. Afterward, all of the reporters in the room made the elevator in about two seconds. This was an astonishing feat for me because I had broken two toes before two evenings before the session. We were definitely intimidated.

A week later, Lawrence had the infamous jogging incident where he passed out and nearly died from heatstroke in front of his own house. For a week, I was hesitant to write up the article because it looked like it would have to be the poor man's obituary. Having sat next to him a few days before, it was an uncomfortably sobering feeling. Fortunately, he's still alive, and I may eventually recover from his last few movies.

MAITLAND MCDONAGH, TV GUIDE ONLINE: David Lynch, whom I interviewed at the automat when he was promoting "Blue Velvet." He was a good interview but the setting made the experience, especially because when he unwrapped his American cheese sandwich on white bread it had a little spot of mold on one corner.

ERIC MONDER, FILM JOURNAL: I found interviewing Sam Fuller alternately frustrating and pleasurable: like his films, he was funny yet scary, entertaining yet digressive, talkative yet elusive, intellectual yet emotional. And in his then early 80s (when I conducted the interview), he was amazingly vigorous and dynamic. My article, "A Fuller View," appeared in FilmFax in March/April 1995.

WILSON MORALES, BLACKFILM.COM: The most memorable film-related interview I've had so far is one I had with director Malcolm Lee on his second film, "Undercover Brother." I was able to ask him "real" questions about his status as a filmmaker and his film, and he was very honest. You can't get that from most people in the business, since we journalists feel a bit intimidated at times to even ask what matters most.

CHRISTOPHER NULL, FILMCRITIC.COM: That's easy: Russ Meyer. He was also my first celebrity interview and he couldn't have been a nicer guy. For all of the controversy surrounding his work, I was expecting a misanthrope along the lines of Larry Flynt or Al Goldstein. That wasn't the case at all, and we had a really interesting conversation (when was the last time you had one of those with a celeb!?) that touched on Russ's personal life and his run-ins with Johnny Law. Most memorable was that Russ turned out to be just an ordinary guy... only one that happens to have an affection for really big tits.

JONATHAN PERRY, TYLERPAPER.COM: The film-related interview that sticks out in my comparatively brief career was with Tony Goldwyn during the junket for last year's "Joshua." He's neither the biggest star nor the most accomplished I've interviewed, but he was a model of graciousness, candor and self-deprecating wit in the 20-plus minutes we spoke. Talking to him was a ray of hope that others who've been in the business as long as he might find a dose of humility somewhere along the line.

JON POPICK, PLANET SICK-BOY: Louise Lasser at the Cleveland International Film Festival for "Fast Food Fast Women." The combination of it being her last interview of the day, and my first in-person interview (ever) was a deadly combination. I think the whole thing lasted just over an hour, and touched on such unlikely subjects as NASCAR and the JFK assassination. The funny (or possibly sad) thing about it is "Fast Food" never opened in my market, so I never did anything with the interview.

JONATHAN RICHARDS, FILMFREAK.BE: I do remember years ago in Paris talking to Eric Rohmer for a story that I sold to a now-defunct American magazine called Cavalier. The piece was titled "And the Word Was Made Flesh," and my thesis was the increasing encroachment of skin into Rohmer's talky "Six Contes Moraux" ("Six Moral Tales"), from the chaste night in bed fully clothed of the lovers in "Ma Nuit Chez Maude" ("My Night at Maude's," the first of the feature length "Moral Tales") to the flash of bare breast in "L'Amour l'Apres-Midi" ("Chloe in the Afternoon"). Rohmer, still blushing as he recalled the incident, described how the actress who got the role of the au pair had stripped off her shirt in his office at her audition, embarrassing him into giving her the part.

SHAUN SAGES, MOVIE NAVIGATOR: The most memorable film-related interview I had was the 1-on-1 sit down with filmmaker Gus Van Sant. He was doing press for his last film, "Gerry", and even though I came to the interview unprepared, with no questions written down, the Q & A turned into an interesting conversation. He's a very cool guy to talk with about films and filmmaking. We spoke about various other topics, like his relationship with the writer William S. Burroughs and he let me know what he thought about the new crop of filmmakers like Darren Aronofsky and Paul Thomas Anderson. He also gave me a list of films to see which he considered vital viewing for any buff; that included lots of Bela Tarr stuff.

CHUCK SCHWARTZ, CRANKY CRITIC: Once Dustin Hoffman walked into a roundtable session, put his arms around me and another critic and said we should spend a weekend in the woods. We assume he meant camping.

DAVID STERRITT, CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR: My most memorable film interview was probably my press lunch with Hitchcock when "Frenzy" had its world premiere in Boston--he was amazingly nice and polite with a gaggle of wide-eyed journalists. Second place would be my interview with David Niven, because he was such a gentle, open, really nice guy--not the high-toned aristocrat I'd expected--and he followed up with a hand-written letter of thanks for the piece I wrote that really seemed personal and sincere. Also in the running would be my first interview with Truffaut, which I thought was just an average interview but which he absolutely loved, and after that he was always eager to keep in touch when he came to New York.

JOEL QUENBY, MOVIESEER: I would have to say attending the "Tomb Raider" press conference, because it gave me the chance to gaze adoringly at Angelina Jolie for an hour or so.

BETTY JO TUCKER, REEL TALK REVIEWS: My spirited interview with Douglas McGrath during his P.A. tour for "Emma" is the most memorable, mostly because McGrath came across as so witty and funny. Here's how I described it in "Confessions of a Movie Addict":

Looking much too young to be the successful filmmaker who had just finished adapting for the screen and directing Jane Austen's most amusing masterpiece, McGrath confessed he hadn't even heard of "Emma" before joining the staff of "Saturday Night Live." "All the writers were surprisingly well read. They could even put together complete sentences. One day they started talking about ‘Emma' and encouraged me to read the book," he said.

Drawn to comedy because of his own humorous outlook on life, McGrath explained he knew right away that Austen's novel would make a wonderful movie. "I took my screenplay and recommended myself as the director," he admitted. He got the job.

When I asked McGrath why he included an archery contest between Emma and Mr. Knightley that wasn't in the book, he laughed and said, "To tie into the summer Olympics. McDonald's may soon offer little Emma puppets complete with their tiny bows and arrows."

Like most humorists, McGrath always leaves them laughing. For my last question I inquired what he wanted readers to know about him. "Where to send money!" he replied.

PABLO VILLACA, CINEMA EM CENA: My interview with José Mojica Marins, a.k.a. Zé do Caixão (in USA he's known as Coffin Joe). I was deeply moved by his history, the way he cried (really!) when his earlier attempts of making movies failed and the time he convinced his wife to let him sell all their furniture to collect money, so he could buy more film stock to shoot his stories. We talked about the times when he would show his movies at a circus, dubbing the character behind the screen...

And, at the end, he "cursed" me (this is his trademark: he improvises long curses about "You'll burn in hell and the Devil will poke you with a flaming stick while you drink molten lava, yadda yadda yadda"). It's a great show. He's a very humble man and, unfortunately, not really appreciated in Brazil. So, it was nice to do an one-hour interview with him for my TV show.

AND...Last, but by no means least, the ultimate movie interview experience. Kids, don't try this at home...it's a job for the professionals!

JEREMIAH KIPP, FILMCRITIC.COM: Abel Ferrara. The man is a legend, and upon meeting him it's easy to see why.

I talked to Abel Ferrara on Monday. "Yeah, man, cool," he sez. "Let's...uhhhhh...let's meet in some bar somewhere. I live on Christopher and Washington. You know where that is? Plenty of bars to go to around here. This neighborhood is fucking weird."

So we arrange to meet at 6:30pm Wednesday. "Dynamite, babe!" Ferrara says, in his half-asleep, mumbling, brain fried, live fast and didn't die young enough way. Wednesday rolls around. I wait until around 3pm before I call, since I figure he won't wake up until then. His wife Nancy is on the other end. "Yeah, Abel ain't here. He took off somewhere and left his cell phone. I don't know where he is. Were you guys supposed to talk tonight? Lemme see if I can track him down."

Nancy calls back later. "Yeah, he'll meet you at the Chelsea Hotel at 6:30pm. You know where that is?" So I go to the hotel, knock at his door. His actress friend answers the door, and Abel's lying on the bed. I didn't expect him to be grossly overweight. He can barely sit up. "Hey, man, how you doin'?" he says, reaching out his hand. "I got two 40s here. A Bud for me and a Beck's for you. You like Beck's? I can't drink that shit. Bud, now that's a fine beer. Look at the color." He holds up the 40 and laughs.

Abel sends his friend out for more beer, then he tries to figure out how to shut off the TV. "I can't figure out this shit. There's no buttons on this fucking thing!" I flip the remote, and he looks at me like I'm a genius. His friend lounges on the edge of the bed, occasionally cuddles around his feet while we start the interview.

For the first 20 minutes, Abel's pretty together. He answers the questions, rambling and occasionally incoherent but with that knack for good phrasing that has made so many of his interviews fun to read over the years. He talks about how many people he hates or has fucked over throughout the years. The whole time, he barely moves from the bed -- a big tousled wreck of a man -- Marlon Brando meets Keith Richards.

But 20 minutes in, Abel's attention is starting to go. We start talking about Victor Argo's funny costume on the cover of Shock Cinema Magazine (dressed as a bellboy) which gets him laughing hysterically. Then he starts falling asleep.

Abel fully nods off, and his friend starts talking to me about the critic's role, and her representation in the media as a theater actress. ("I was playing some skank ho and then everybody started treating me like I was a skank ho! Only Abel understands this.") I turn back to Abel, now snoring, and say, "Abel? Abel? Are we done?"

"No, man! Keep that tape rollin'! Ask more questions!"

So we go a little bit more, talking about filming in NYC. He starts complaining about how everyone's going to Toronto, and how it's no cheaper. His friend starts interrupting talking about a Julia Roberts movie in Toronto. "Shut the fuck up," he says. She keeps going, oblivious. "Turn that tape off. She's fucking up the whole interview. Shut up if you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Get outta here. [To Jeremiah] See what we have to deal with? [To Friend] Go in the corner." She goes in the corner and starts reading the Bible. "FUCK TORONTO, OK, man? Don't listen to this cunt. She starts talking, and your interview is gonna be filled with lies. I know what I'm talking about."

She reads a passage from the Bible. "You bring forth what is within you, and what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

I think Abel is gonna freak again, but he's soothed. "That was a beautiful passage, baby. Thanks. That fits in with exactly what we're talking about."

He's pacing around the room, waving his 40. I steer him in the safer direction of talking about working with actors. He immediately settles down and is back in good cheer, even if his answers are slipping into pure, blurred out nonsense. "Yeah, actors...they...you gotta...there's some...uhhhhh...fuckin'...what, you just gotta...Walken, man...Keitel...he...and, shiiiiit."

He sends his girlfriend out to get him a sandwich. "The gourmet deli of Chelsea Hotel. You got any money, man? I don't got any money."

I lie and say I only have $7. He takes it. "I feel like shit, man, asking some broke journalist. Your magazine paying for this?"

Then he starts asking me about magazines I write for. He knows them all. He asks me about "Chelsea Walls," which neither of us has seen. The friend comes back with his sandwich, he eats it, talking about gentrification (but mostly mumbling), then he falls down on the bed and sort of falls asleep again.

"Abel, you wanna keep going?" I say.

"Is my movie the truth? Is it documentary? How close can it be to the truth, cuz it's a story!" he says. Then he nods off, starts snoring again, and is pretty much gone. "I think we have to call it a night, man." I say.

Abel says, "Yeah, I'm sorry man -- you're really intense. Those questions are too deep for me right now. But write it all down, man and keep writing, and if you have more questions just gimme a call. Peace."

Then he's completely gone, eyes closed, asleep. His girlfriend sees me out, and I wonder to myself, "Whaaaa?"